Husband:
Hello, dear couples therapist. Let me espouse all the ways my partner (whom I love, have kids with, and share the biggest business of my life with) is crazy and I need you to please change her. If she were just different, everything would be better for me, and our marriage would be perfect. Let me prove my point by sharing every awful terrible story about her and ensure that she will be fuming by the time I am finished.
Snarky me inside:
No shit Sherlock. Do you know how many times a day I hear this poor-me fest?
Me to you the reader:
Wives are EQUALLY as bad at the “blamey” “poor me” fest in our first session. I do feel for couples. This is normal to do this blame thing. It is a protest cry fueled by unconscious templates from our past. And, my snark might be the exclamation point you need to not be typical and get more bang for your buck in couples therapy by starting differently. Start by owning your part.
Me to the husband:
I get it. You are hurting. But here is my first intervention, you ready? Couples are relational systems - not a you vs. me thing but a you, me, and we. The way you are framing this up is you against me. The truth is you both do stuff that lights up the very worst behavior in your partner. My job is to help you figure out what you each do to light up your partner’s worst behavior. We will sort out when you do it, how you do it, why you do it, how it is probably linked to something you experienced or saw in your past, and how to embrace and repair it fast. That is the essence of couples therapy.
What do you want your marriage to look and feel like? What would I see on a perfect day if I peeked into your windows at dinnertime?
What are you doing that blocks your marriage from looking or feeling that way?
What does your partner do that blocks your marriage from looking for feeling that way?
What are you willing and able to change about your part of it and what are you not willing or able to change?
What will make the changes you want to make hard for you?
Me to you the reader:
Go into couples therapy well studied on your part in your “we”. Think about those five questions above.
Report back.
A request and a boundary.
Please oh please, leave comments, add to or respectfully challenge my thinking, share your stories, make friends, and ask questions.
BUT…also don’t debate, demean, or do the “I am smarter than you” kind of power dance. I will gleefully go through and delete those comments because look the world is mean. This substack will not be. It will be a place where kind hearts and fun prevails.