Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of attending two very different dinner parties, and I couldn't help but reflect on the dynamics of men and relationality that feel familiar in my couples therapy room.
The Read the Room Dinner Party
The first dinner party, if I were to give it a title, I'd call it "Read the Room." I found myself standing up to give a heartfelt toast. The atmosphere was hushed, and all eyes were on me, especially my friend, the one I was toasting, who is bravely battling cancer. I simply said, "I just want to be silent with you and hold your eye contact."
But then, out of nowhere, the man sitting next to me blurted out, "Did we order more fish? We need more fish." Not to be outdone, my husband at the other end of the table chimed in with, "Yeah, we need more fish." Thankfully, a wonderfully assertive friend, a woman, lightened the mood by saying, "Come on, guys, read the room."
It was a moment filled with deep emotion, intimacy, and genuine love that got abruptly interrupted. Maybe it was due to a language barrier, the noisy restaurant, excessive alcohol, or perhaps the man struggled with vulnerability and felt that more fish was a more pressing concern. I don't want to resort to man-bashing because I believe this kind of obliviousness to relationality is not inherently mean-spirited or male. But my couples therapist brain couldn’t help but note the familiarity in my sessions where men fail to read the room. Sometimes it does feel male, I gotta tell you. Societal gender training teaches men to tune out emotional connections. But let me tell you, not all men are the same, and here's why...
The Bold and Loving Dinner Party
The very next day, I attended a lively house party with six of us indulging in Tempura Shrimp, Chicken Satay, and Doritos. Amidst the laughter and conversation, one woman candidly shared that she and her husband "divorce" and "remarry" every week, and their relationship is honest, loving, and passionately alive—especially in the bedroom. When her husband joined the conversation a few minutes later, he quipped, "I'm sure if you've been talking with my wife, my naked body is splayed on this table." It turns out, she had shared with gusto he's an excellent lover.
Amid this lively exchange, two men in their early thirties were nodding along. They were utterly engrossed in the conversation, showing no concern whatsoever about ordering more fish. They were actively listening, asking thoughtful and curious questions, and fully embracing the concept of relationality. One of the men shared that he was newly in love and shared tender stories about his two-year relationship. The other, single but deeply engaged, turned to me and said I want men to be able to be open with their love and their desire. I chimed in, "I am with you. We need to celebrate male sexual desire instead of vilifying it. Men's sexuality is a beauty to behold." He expressed his desire to challenge traditional notions of manhood that dictate thinking without feeling, eating without relating, and physicality without emotional connection. What he was really saying is, "We all want permission and the skill to be more relational not replaying these weird gender tropes."
This is precisely how I aspire to be as a couples therapist. I want to help humanity reclaim the lost art of relating with heart. Heck, I'm working on reclaiming it in my own life too!
So, I want to leave you with a question: In what ways were you hindered in the relating department by societal gender training, family upbringing, culture, identity, or class? And what advice would you offer to other men looking to break free from these limitations and embrace genuine, heartfelt connections?
A request and a boundary.
Please oh please, leave comments, add to or respectfully challenge my thinking, share your stories, make friends, and ask questions.
BUT…also don’t debate, demean, or do the “I am smarter than you” kind of power dance. I will gleefully go through and delete those comments because look the world is mean. This substack will not be. It will be a place where kind hearts and fun prevails.
Love how you captured these two experiences so well! ❤️